My First Mother's Day: A Reflection

"CHARLIE"

0-1 Month

January 21, 2013: Charlie is Born

It wasn't love at first sight; I will admit. I was more in awe of him than anything. He surprised me by the sheer tenacity he had shown in the act of breaking forth into this world and making himself known. Instantly, he was in command demanding sustenance, constant care, shelter, clothing, and protection. His needs seemed to be endless. On the day we were leaving the hospital with Charlie, it hit me - the overwhelming responsibility of it all - motherhood. 

1-2 Months

Charlie: 1 Month Old

In the midst of being overwhelmed, I also developed a new sensation: worry. Out of the blue, I became riddled with anxiety. I immediately began to notice how other drivers never looked at the road because they were texting or looking down at their phones. I wanted to yell at them that I had a baby on board! I would wake up in the middle of the night just to see if he was still breathing. I accumulated many irrational fears regarding Charlie and his safety that I'm a little embarrassed to admit. 

After a couple of weeks living with this anxiety and fear, the Lord reminded me of the story of Samuel as I was pulling out of my driveway praying for (or rather obsessing over) safe travels as I drove Charlie around town. Hannah was barren for many years, and after many more years of heartfelt prayer, the Lord blessed her with a child. Hannah was grateful to God for answering her plea, and from a heart overflowing with thanks, she dedicated her son, or gave him back, to God. That's when God showed me that I had to do the same with Charlie. He had blessed me with this precious gift, but I wasn't trusting in Him to protect Charlie and raise him up. In that moment, my fears and worry subsided, and I chose a different path. I still pray for Charlie every day, and I'm learning to trust the Lord with what He has entrusted to me. 

Matthew 6:25-34 

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ²⁷ And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? ²⁸ And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin,²⁹ yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ³⁰ But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹ Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. ³³ But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. ³⁴ “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

2-3 Months

Charlie: 2 Months Old

By this point, I had established somewhat of a routine. I even started to recognize and anticipate his needs. I could differentiate between his cries and whimpers. A little bit of his personality started to emerge...and something else too. That feeling of awe that I felt when I looked at or held Charlie was turning into something quite different. 

3-4 Months

Charlie: 3 Months Old

From the very beginning, I knew it was my duty to love him. But now, I've completely fallen for him. I'm in love. It happened the very first time he consciously smiled at me. Sure, he has dirty diapers and throws up most of his food (usually onto me), but nothing smells as sweet as when he is fresh from a bath. The scent of lavender baby wash is hard to beat. He also has days where he has a crusty nose or a rash or unsightly bald spots. Still, there isn't an ocean or beach or mountain range that I find more beautiful. And yes, he does emit the occasional sob or bloodcurdling scream, but his laughter and cooing absolutely melts my heart.

I wish so badly that I could permanently capture each moment, but it's not meant to be. Instead, I revel in each moment and look forward to the ones to come.

I am so thankful that the Lord saw fit to bless JT and I with Charlie and that He trusts us with the task of being his parents. God has a distinct purpose for our little man, and we have the privilege of helping him discover his destiny in Him.

"For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen." Romans 11:36